Shire Network News - All Postings

181 Podcast is The Show with No Name

Brian of London — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 02:12:05 +0000

Shire Network News is steadfastly refusing to lie down and die! To prove it, here's another show...this time hosted from within the darkest bowels of the Great Satan itself - the United States of America.

Normal host Murray in New Zealand (and we use the word "normal" in its loosest possible sense) is facing a few health challenges and can't host for a while, so for various reasons which escape us at the moment (I seem to recall there was some sort of tax angle...) we have decided to come to you from the belly of the capitalist beast itself, the sinister global hegemon behind expansionist Zionism, rampant consumption of the world's resources and the global threat posed by the continued existence of Carlos Mencia.

I refer of course to Atlanta, Georgia, and our very own Doug Payton. He's a church-going Christian who supports the constitution, so the mainstream media would like you to smile, nod, avoid making eye contact or engaging in any sudden movements which might spook him, and contact a SWAT team immediately - taking people like that down is highly dangerous folks, best leave it to the professionals.

Australia's own "Tom Paine" explains to us why some things just aren't as easy to joke about as they once were, driving him to seek relief in either the demon alcohol or the writing of epic space opera novels. Don't do it Tom! It's to dangerous! Try bourbon instead! Look what happened to Isaac Asimov and Robert A. Heinlein! They both got very rich and famous! So you ought to...hang on, what was our point again? That actually sounds pretty good.

In Blog News, will someone for gods sake give Barney Frank a dollar already, he's embarrassing himself. And Congress. If that's even possible these days.

NASA's job is to make Muslims feel good about themselves. Apparently. Who knew? And here was us foolishly clinging to the antediluvian notion that it had something to do with space exploration!

It's good to see organizations fighting the rising tide of obscenity. Why, just the other day one well-known outfit made sure to do its bit to get rid of the "C" word. Yup, from now on the YMCA is going to call itself just "The Y" Why? Apparently "Christian" is just plain embarrassing.

In our bulging "Fatwa of the Week" section, Molly Norris drew a picture of a teacup and now she has a fatwa. What, are they delivering Islamic death sentences free with every box of Cheerios these days? She called the teacup Mohamad. Oh well, there you go, that explains it. Called a teacup "Mohammad". Death, next case please.

President Obama has finally lowered the boom on Al Qaeda. He's gone medieval on their ass. He's had enough and he doesn't care who knows it. He has characterised them as...what? Mass murderers? Bombers of girls schools? Insane religious cultists who worship death and mock the concept of a loving and merciful god by their mere existence? Nope. Worse. MUCH worse. He says they are...you already know what's coming, don't you? Racists. Hey, Al Sharpton, Charlie Rangel, Jesse Jackson! the boss says you should head off to the Af-Pak border to see this Osama Bin Laden guy, shake him down for some donations or we'll call him a racist again., Hey, it works with major US companies, right?

And finally in "Consider This", Doug Payton discusses the Worst Place In The World, the lowest pit of torment. pain and degradation that has ever existed, a permanent stain on the conscience of America, a flicker of hell at the tip of Cuba known as "Guantanamo Bay". Which is so terrible, so sickeningly awful a place, so bowel-liquifyingly hideous that some of the poor innocents locked up there for no reason whatsoever...er...want to stay there rather than go home. Wait, what? Yup, six Algerians. Turns out Gitmo is some sort of Club Med compared to Algeria. Frankly, we see their point. Coming up next week, tourist brochures for bus tours of the Land of Mordor sell out in Syria, Yemen, Libya and parts of the South Bronx.

Think you could be both funny and topical? Funnier than us, we mean? Yeah, you probably could be, you'll get no argument here. Why not put it to the test. Have you got what it takes to join the fast-paced world of international political humour podcasting? Impress attractive members of the opposite sex! Win exciting cash prizes! Influence global opinion leaders! We can guaruntee that absolutely none of these things will happen if you send your auditions to pacificjournalist@gmail.com And if yo'reu an eccentric and somewhat irresponsible conservative rich person, please send us money. The Left told us conservatives are all evil rich white dudes who pay people to pretend to support their policies. So, uh, when do our cheques from the National Association of Fat Cat Billionaires arrive? Hello? Is this thing on? Man, that's the last time we believe anything the Left tell us.

Around the net, find Shire Network News on Facebook and give us a Like. You’ll be among the first to find out when new shows are out, discuss the topics, and submit ideas for Blog News. And tell your friends and family; there really is a podcast out there that tells it like it is. Well, like it ought to be. Well, if they know what a podcast is. Well, if you have any friends. Well, tell your mom.

180 Podcast unveils new novelist

Brian of London — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 20:31:59 +0000

Right click to download as mp3

Britain, home of the PC PC, comes up with another example of how to be a jobsworth - coming up with no less than two excuses for not jumping into the sea to save a drowning man.

TV hard man Bear Grylls meets a 12 year old Australian scout and is made to look like a giant pussy.

Reuters indulges in sneer quote overkill when it comes to American hikers captured by Iran.

David Horowitz uncovers the true face of hate at (where else) an American university.

Seth McFarlane takes a dump on America...again (and it's not even funny, but we're starting to get used to that).

And we bring you news of the single most significant political struggle in modern American history - don't believe us? You will when you hear the campaign ad.

We bring you an example of why the English language should probably not be entrusted to the English anymore, or at least one specific English sports reporter. And David Mitchell has a message from the Queen, so sit up straight and tuck your shirt in.

"Tom Paine" wants your help in writing he Great Australian Science Fiction novel.

And Doug Payton wonders when Comedy Central will show actual, as opposed to completely fake, courage.

179 Podcast attempts to blow up car in New York, burns lips on exhaust pipe

Brian of London — Mon, 10 May 2010 20:15:00 +0000

Right click to download as mp3

Continuing our carefully thought out policy of confusing the enemy by putting out shows at highly irregular intervals, thereby taking them by surprise (along with our actual listeners) SNN is back with another of our increasingly misnamed weekly shows.

New presenter Murray is replaced temporarily by Doug Payton in Atlanta, making this the first time SNN has been entirely in American hands. Murray has some software problems that haven't responded to his standard method of resolving difficulties, i.e. striking them repeatedly with a medieval weapon. You might be surprised how effective that usually is.

We have some blog news about the isolated lone wolf extremist who attempted to explode an SUV in Times Square. He seem (according to the experts who run the editorial page of the New York Times) to have gone off the rails when he fell behind on his payments and had his house was repossessed by the bank. Taking half a year off to go to a Pakistani training camp to learn how to blow shit up courtesy of the Taliban does tend to put something of a hole in one's finances. If only there was some obvious reason for his actions. It makes no rational sense. Most people who manage to get a parking space on Times Square tend to be a lot happier about it than this guy. His possible links to the Tea Party are of course the prime focus of the current investigation.

"Leave no man behind on the battlefield" is a code the British SAS live be. Shame the MOD doesn't see it that way. Too bad for the red tabs at HQ that the SAS told them they were going ahead and following the code anyway, and if London didn't like it, then London could have the entire Regiment's resignation.

A man in the UK attempted to put up a memorial to the small boats that helped the Royal Navy evacuate British anjd French soldiers from Dunkirk in 1940. Regular listeners have a pretty good idea what's coming. Did you know the expression "World War II" is offensive? Yeah, us neither,

"Tom Paine" is along with another look at how the famous Thousand Bomber Raid on Cologne might have been covered by today's journalists.

And Doug Payton introduces himself along with an economics lesson that Greece might have benefited from if it has been paying attention for the last 30 years. In what alternate reality is "spending more money that you have" a sound economic policy?

We don't mention the UK election because frankly Brown, Clegg and Cameron deserve each other, and it's just too depressing for words. The Tories had the biggest open goal ever in front of them, a keeper who was rolling around outside the penalty box clutching his shin in pain, the opposition defenders were all peering hawkishly in the wrong direction and the ball landed right at the strikers feet with all the time in the world to take the simplest imaginable shot.

And he missed.

Just speaking hypothetically here, but how many of our listeners on the US eastern seaboard and in the Canadian Maritimes have boats capable of doing a return trip across the Atlantic? No reason, just, you know, in theory, in the event of things getting even worse than they already are.

178 Podcast Returns to 1940s

Tom Paine — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 14:30:26 +0000

Right click to download as mp3

Shire Network News is back within a week of the first one foir 2010 being put up! Didn't think we meant it when we said we'd be returning to a weekly format, did you?

This week the Anglosphere's hardest-hitting political podcast returns to the dark days of the 1940s and wonders what would have happened if today's soft-cock politicians and thinkers had been in charge of the United States. The results are about as unpleasant as...well, as reading the news today I suppose. Indulging you enemies and kicking your allies square in the yarbles - how do you think that's likely to work out in the end. Read some history people, with special reference to the Byzantine Empire's alliances of convenience with the Muslims against the Latin Crusaders, and how well that paid off for them. Check out those minarets currently flanking the Haigia Sophia in Constantinople and draw your own conclusions. Yes, we said Constantinople, please e-mail the subsequent fatwas directly to our lawyers.

New presenter Murray introduces you Americans who are about to enter the wonderful world of state-funded health care to the concept of the "waiting list", discusses the definition of the word "spar-lash" in relation to Russian violations of UK airspace (the enemy is always probing people, never forget that, what happened when an adult rescued a schoolchild from up a tree (this is he UK we're talking about, so you can probably work out what's coming), why you can't get a baconburger in certain UK KFC's anymore (you already know why, lets be honest), and why Norwegians aren't massively popular in New Zealand just at the moment. And Doug Payton is along to add his voice to the many, many commentators unhappy at the US lurch towards Euroweenism.

The new presenter, Murray, can be found here (swearing encouraged) and here (less swearing, more trebuchets).

177 Podcast Mocks Canadian Human Rights Laws

Brian of London — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 20:57:06 +0000

Right click to download mp3

A new-look Shire Network News hits the airwaves, with a new host, new attitude, and perhaps most importantly, no script!

We'll be moving to a weekly format from now own, and the show will probably be shorter and punchier. By which we mean if you don't listen to it, one of us will find out where you live, come round one night and punch you.

This week we catch up with a Canadian comedian who is being dragged in front of one of Canada's bogus "Human Rights" kangaroo courts for the hideous sin of...well, telling jokes apparently. Now you and I and certain other head-in-the-clouds no-hopes might cling to the charmingly antediluvian notion that it's not all that unusual for a comedian to tell jokes, but under close, time consuming and massively expensive legal scrutiny, this turns out not to be the case.

Guy Earle wasn't particularly political before this happened, but he's been...ahem..."radicalised" by the experience. He's due to appear before the British Columbia Human Rights Tribunal in Vancouver on March 29 - if you're in town that day, go along and support him. Keep him away from the hemlock.

Doug Payton is here with Consider This, ad we have a new contributor to SNN, the UK-based Dangerously Subversive Dad, with a tale of what happens when your wife fights off a drugged-up knife-wielding maniac bent on car-jacking her. She made the obvious error of fighting back. Even worse, she was successful! Those of you who have been paying attention know what's about to happen, but don't give out any spoilers - the look of shock on the face of newcomers to this sort of site when they realise what the constabulary is really up to is always priceless. Wait for the tale of the horse-tail-plaiting Witches of Sussex at the end. No, we're not kidding.

The new presenter, Murray, can be found here (swearing encouraged) and here (less swearing, more trebuchets). Tom is still going to be part of SNN each week, he's just going to be doing individual items and interviews rather than anchor the whole show. He kept complaining about having to "work" in order to "pay the mortgage" and be able to "eat food" occasionally or some such soft-cock excuse for total laziness.

176 Podcast Promotes Religious Freedom For Everyone

Brian of London — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 04:28:21 +0000

Right click to download as mp3

In this final edition of Shire Network News for 2009, we speak to Pastor Ameal Haddad of Ambassadors For Peace. His idea is that people around the world should have religious freedom. I know, crazy, right? Maybe it's so crazy it might just work through. Check out their website and maybe throw them a few dollars in donations.

In Blog News, the British National Party offers to sell out Gibraltar to Spanish fascists, so that's another reason to kick them firmly in the yarbles; former Christian Peacemaker in Iraq turned hostage, turned ungrateful rescued hostage Norman Kember says the religious nutters who kidnapped him and a few others were quite nice blokes really, and they only nailed his head to the floor a little bit; the UK military's top chaplain says these Taliban johnnies are actually not quit as bad as they're painted, and if we could just invite them round for some of the Ladies Guild's delicious pancakes with strawberry jam, he's quite sure we could sort out all this "blowing civiilians up and trying to kill British troops" nonsense, which was probably the result of a misunderstanding somewhere, I mean everyone's a decent enough sort of chap deep down aren't they?; a man attending a Palestinian Carol service in London tells Jews what he thinks of them; those rascally Hebrews are once again feeding teenage Palestinian girls magic Jew gum that makes them horny (teenagers really need chemical assistance to make them think about sex, as you know); and we have an update on the dancer who took taxpayers money in order to have an epileptic fit on stage. It's Art - you peasants wouldn't understand. But we'll still take that Arts Council cash off you, thanks mate.

Meryl Yourish brings us a revealing interview with Al Gore, aka the man behind the curtain we're not supposed to pay any attention to, Doug Payton proudly prognosticates on his prodigious powers of precognition, and Brian of London is still brutally occupying Tel Aviv. Possibly after taking the advice of that bloke at the carol service who wants all Jews to "f**k off back to Israel", although oddly enough people like him seen equally determined that Jews should simultaneously get out of Israel as well. Logic doesn't seem to be their strong suit.

And Tom Paine in Melbourne talks about the meaning of the season. Swords and prodigious amounts of throat-punching and face-smashing are involved. Physical and spiritual resistance to evil are both considered and found to be important in their own way, and the Maccabean dynasty continues to get it's by now customary poor performance reviews. There's nothing B+ about the Maccabees, we're talking about an initial burst of wild enthusiasm, followed by the dawning realisation that putting them in charge was in reality a really, really bad idea which we would all pay for in the long run.

Not that we're drawing any historical parallels or anything...

175 Podcast Calls For The Application of Rule .303

Brian of London — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 19:53:45 +0000

Right click to download as mp3

In this episode of Shire Network News, Brtish foreign policy specialist and non-insane person (the two tend to be mutually exclusive these days) Robin Shepherd talks to Tom Paine about a new TV documentary in which the UK's foreign policy is portrayed as completely in thrall to sinister, shadowy "Zionist" businessmen, who manipulate politicians and journalists from the shadows. It turns out the British media is totally controlled by these "Zionists", which I must say is quite a relief. Here was me thinking they were a pack of Jew-hating arseholes who never missed a chance to tell lies about Israel and whitewash Islamist groups! I recommend watching such programs, it's really rather comforting to be told we secretly run the world. Makes a change from the usual threats to slaughter us all with knives and/or drop atomic bombs on us until we're not alive any more.

Mr Shepherd is also the author of "A State Beyond the Pale: Europe's Problem With Israel". Heh. Beyond the Pale. That's clever that is. Historical allusion to Eastern Europe and the Pale of Settlement. See, and they say an Oxbridge education isn't worth as much as it used to be. That's some some quality referencing and clever juxtapositioning right there in the title, imagine how good the book itself is going to be.

Doug Payton lists the achievements of Obama's first year in office (hint, he's taking the piss), Meryl Yourish reveals that David Ickes was right all along, and Brian of London suggests the Palestinians be made to sit on the naughty stool until they give Gilad Shalit back.

In Blog News, the Royal Navy covers its reputation in some lame-ass shit as it tries to pretend that having Somali pirates capture British citizens on the high seas while an RN vessel loaded with Royal Marines sits back and watches the entire process without doing anything about it is perfectly normal. The terrifying thing is, in the modern Navy with everyone at the top level heavily indoctrinated with political correctness, sitting around with one's finger us one's nose may well be the new normal.

And for any of our colonials who might be about to make a crack about goddamn limey fruits, limp dicks and other merry traditional trans-Atlantic jibes, the US Navy Seals who captured the bastard responsible for the murder and hideous mutilation of four US security guards in Fallujah are now facing a trial because the guy now sports a fat lip. This is not a positive development, to say the least.You can't fight a war as if it's an episode of Law & Order. Mind you, putting Fred Thompson in charge would not be the worst idea around.

We hear a detailed explanation about the constitutional and electoral process under which some random Belgian with freakish hair became Supreme Leader of Europe.

We have some fun with BNP leader Nick Griffin, and document the decadent collapse of the West via the medium of an artist" who is getting paid pubic money to hold a "dance" event consisting of her having an epileptic seizure on stage. When your society sponsors artists for whom the first stage of their inspiration consists of "stopping their medication" I think we can agree the game is basically over.

Oh and would be be a dear and go vote for SNN in the Podcast Awards? It's so embarrassing if we come in dead last. Especially if it's the final podcast awards before the total collapse of western civilisation. Boy would our face be red if that happened and we didn't have another chance to do better next year! Shire Network News will be back again in two weeks time, assuming any of us are still alive.

174 Podcast Asks Why New Zealand Is So Damned PC

Brian of London — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 01:20:45 +0000

Right click to download as mp3

This week's special guest is New Zealand journalist and author Ian Wishart, who explains why New Zealand is, if you can believe such a thing, even more PC, multi-culti and obsessed with apocalyptic global warming than Canada.

He also has some excellent books for sale at his website, in particular Air Con and Eve's Bite.

Doug Payton wants us to reclaim the word bonkers, which you don't hear nearly enough these days, especially when describing some of our alleged national leaders.

Meryl Yourish examines the US government's attitude to terrorism, which it doesn't seem keen on calling terrorism, and it sets her right off. She is not alone in this.

And an old friend, Brian of London, is back in the Zionist Entity, opressing, discriminating and occupying for all he's worth. He may be facing rocket attacks from Hizbollah in the north and Hamas in the south, random bomb blasts from terrorist infiltrators plus the threat of nuclear annihilation from the general direction of Iran over the eastern horizon, but at least it beats a cold, dark November freezing his tuchis off in north-west London.

If you enjoy Shire Network News, why not vote for us at the Podcast Awards? We're listed in the 'Best Political Podcast' category.

173 Podcast Discovers British Muslims for Secular Democracy - 173

Brian of London — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:40:57 +0000

Right click to download as mp3

This week's show features a special guest - Tehmina Kazi, Director of British Muslims for Secular Democracy. Yes, at last! Break out the bunting and set off some fireworks, the moderates seem to have discovered their voice at last. And although we have the audio from their wonderful ad attacking the pro-jihad lunatics we so often see on TV, do be sure and watch the video as well. They're scheduled to stage a counter-demonstration against an Islamist protest in London on Saturday, so they don't lack guts. Give them your support.

Doug Pyaton asks what would have happened if Bushhitler McHalliburton, the world's dumbest evil genius, aka former President George W Bush, had even considered doing some of the things President Obama has done to the media. Remember, it's not a threat to free speech of a Democrat does it.

In Blog News we hear about a Lib-Dem Council in the UK banning all adults, including parents, from children's playgrounds;.

And we ponder the balance between legitimate needs for public surveillance against potential terrorist activity on the one hand, and freaking out, screaming incoherently that "they" are coming to murder us all in our beds and running around like our hair was on fire on the other. Security is important and the threat has not been invented by Dick Cheny to boost the value of his stock portfolio. On the other hand, I'd prefer that the government not give me a rectal probe every time I get on a tram. Andrew Sullivan may have a different view, I really don't know.

Jimmy Carter says something that would get a Republican put on CNN on an hourly basis under the headline "Resignation Watch, Day Two", but he gets away with it because...er...well because he's a Democrat and it's not racism if a Democrat does it. It's just not, okay? Which party was it that all those politicians and sheriffs down south belonged to, the ones who stood in schoolhouse doors and set dogs and fire hoses on black demonstrators? Clue: it wasn't the Republican party.

An amusing and provocative high school answering machine message turns out to be a fake. A funny, satirical, genius-level fake.

And we heartily endorse a new campaign to "make deadshits history". Warning - Aussie style harsh language!

Plus a plea for all your foreigners to harden up and travel to Australia. Latest figures indicate that some tourists actually survive the experience!

Podcast Opposes A Military Coup (Directors Cut) - 172

Brian of London — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:45:11 +0000

Right click to download as mp3

Second Upload! The first one was cut short, probably caused by an Islamic insurgency.

In this week's Shire Network News podcast, host "Tom Paine" interviews retired US Army special forces Colonel Gordon Cucullu about the effects of Obama Derangement Syndrome on the conservative side of politics in America - especially one particularly lunatic suggestion by columnist John Perry that President Barack Obama might be removed from power in a military coup. You remember how well those have worked out wherever they've been attempted in the past?

Oh, and if John Perry gets to hear about this, we are open to having him on the show as a feature guest to respond to our no doubt unfounded and ill-informed criticisms of his brilliant idea. Yes, advocating a military coup to overthrow the democratically elected President of the United States, always a fast track to wealth, success and respect. Bring a whole bunch of really good arguments John, but be warned, we tend not to lose arguments on this podcast. Especially about minor, trivial, completely inconsequential things like, oh, I don't know, upholding the Constitution of the United Staes! I can't remember the part where it says "...unless you don't like the President's policies, in which case just have some blokes in uniform show up to tell him he can take the rest of the afternoon off, hell, take the rest of his term, his services are no longer required." I must have been out taking a whiz when we covered that bit in first year political science.

Oh, and buy Colonel Cucullu's book about Gitmo, it's amazing what the mainstream media haven't told you about it.

Meryl Yourish is along to pile on the juvenile scorn about President Obama being awarded the Nobel Prize for Not Being George W Bush; and Doug Payton sells us some government cheese.

In Blog news we discuss the latest scientific research conducted in the field of controlled building demolitions and the viscosity of steel in extreme heat environments carried out by Professor Charles Sheen of the University of California Center For the Study of the Effect on Humans of Advanced Chemical Compounds and Prolonged Sex With Whores. In particular, we attempt to answer the age old philosophical conundrum of why that man even has a career in the first place.

British teachers reveal their fight against the dangers posed by patriotism, a boy gets a permanent black mark on his school record and is forced to make a public apology for playing soldiers, Christians aren't allowed to put up flyers at their local library while Muslims can, and New Zealand prime minister John Key makes a triumphant appearance on Letterman. Makes you wonder what Dave made him do to get that, huh? [rim shot] We have an alternative top ten list of reasons to visit New Zealand, and no, "Because my cousin who runs a fishing charter business in the Bay of islands needs the money" isn't one of them, true though it might be.

And we end with two visions of achieving peace. We favour one over the other. See if you can guess which one, and why.

Oh, and before we forget, it's that time of year again, when the Podcast Awards take nominations. Show your support for the best podcast on the planet. (And while you're there, nominate Shire Network News, too.)

http://podcastawards.com/

According to the voting rules, you can nominate one show for either "People's Choice" or "Best Produced" *and* one other category. Let's pool our voting power and go for the "People's Choice" and "Political" categories. While SNN does do satire, it's not aiming to be a comedy podcast, and while we do occasionally pan Michael Moore movies, the "Movies / Films" category is a bit of a stretch.

You only get one shot at nominating, so make sure the URL is okey dokey:

http://www.snnsite.com/

And thanks for your nomination!